Wow... I think it is finally time to write another post. Now that Kaylee doesn't sleep the majority of the day, the ease in finding time to write down my thoughts is becoming more and more difficult. Yet, I do desire to write because we have many things to praise the Lord for that may be forgotten if not written down. I don't want to set too lofty of a goal, so my aim is to take the time to write at least once a month.
In this post, I just jotted down many thoughts and experiences that I have processed during the past month regarding Kaylee's life, mostly. They are rather disconnected and jumbled, but they still serve their purpose of reminding us what we journeyed through with her and what God wants to teach us........
The first part is mainly focused on Kaylee's health:
Kaylee has never necessarily been an easy baby, but I don't really think any baby entirely is. For the first several weeks of her life, even though there were difficult moments with our health and random spurts of gassy discomfort, she was a very sweet and enjoyable newborn. For the most part, she did well as we toted her around Colorado and shared her with many friends and family. However, this all began to change around week 6. As one of my friends described it best when her little guy went through a similar change, I kept thinking to myself, "wHeRe DiD mY LiTtLe AnGeL BaBy Go?!?!" By week 8, hours of screaming and refusing sleep became the norm, along with fighting breastfeeding and burping the majority of the time. At this point, Kaylee was becoming quite miserable and we were as well. (Don't think it helped that I was in pain and not feeling the greatest with a 104 fever and a pulse of 160, related to another breastfeeding issue).
As Kaylee's outbursts seemed to be getting worse, I kept telling myself that this too shall pass, but the hardest part was not knowing when it would. Being stuck at home, listening to a screaming baby that can't be consoled all day will make you go crazy!
Thankfully, Brandon took this opportunity to try and help me grow. He challenged me a lot during that time, about seeking the Lord and making deliberate choices to see positive things in a seemingly discouraging time. It is good to just sit there and dwell on all the things we can be thankful for in the midst of challenging moments. There truly is MUCH to be thankful for and we can chose to praise Him, even in the storm. Unfortunately, that was not always my response, but I am learning.
God was also good to open my eyes to see the many, many, many around me who have and are facing much more challenging life struggles than I ever have... which challenged me to pray for them... learn from them... be humbled through them... and be thankful.
PRAISE THE LORD! During week 9, I took Kaylee to the doctor and they seem to have found a med that is helping Kaylee. It is hard knowing that she was probably in pain during those difficult days, but I am so thankful that her little body appears to slowly be getting better and she is enjoying life more and more these days. I am also so thankful for the wisdom and grace that God provided and continues to provide. My heart melts when I look at her and see a glowing smile sweep across her face, instead of seeing a little sleep deprived girl, shrieking in misery. She definitely still cries and has rough days (because that's what babies do), but we are very grateful for the positive steps forward.
Other random facts/thoughts/lessons from this time:
Random thought #1: At the beginning of the month, the fires in Colorado banned us from having fireworks for 4th of July. So while Brandon was working late into the night, I found a station that was broadcasting a fireworks display in Washington D.C. A big part of that show was performers and musicians singing a variety of songs. For some reason, a thought struck me and I was like, it is fascinating that millions of people pay money to just sit there and listen to people sing. We value this talent a lot. On any given night there are TV channels broadcasting shows in search of the the next best singer, there are coffee shops resounding with the sound of individuals displaying their vocal talents, and arenas packed with people enthused about their favorite band. We are captivated by singing. Myself included. I enjoy music and listen to it often, but as I thought about it, I began to realize we often miss the point. God has given many individuals beautiful voices, but the purpose of those voices is to sing praise to Him. Scripture is filled with verses encouraging us to do so. Singing is a very beautiful thing and the desire to sing or listen to music is a very natural part of our beings because we were made to sing praises!
#2 (Fact): To and from North Carolina, by God's grace, Kaylee did great. (It may have really helped that on the first three hour flight, there were 9 kids within 6 rows, many of which were quite a bit louder than Kaylee!) :)
#3 (Thought): It was such an incredible blessing to be reminded of what a loved little girl Kaylee is while we were in North Carolina. Sometimes we take it for granted that we have friends and family to help raise and love our children, but nonetheless, we are thankful. Love was poured out to us from the minute we got there until the minute we left with our Gatorade and Ensure in hand. So special for this little mama's heart to experience this love and concern shown to her and her baby girl.
#4 (Thought): While there, as Kaylee would fight sleep, Brandon and I began reading lots and lots to try to learn how to help her. We almost chuckled as we found that sleep theories are just about like theologians. There are millions of ideas, that go from one absolute extreme to the other. Everyone has an opinion and they seem to think their way is the only way. Hum... thankful that He says "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways... As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9
#6 (Lesson): In recent years, I have become less and less adventurous and more and more fearful or hesitant. One of the things that I never would have given a second thought about is running and diving into the ocean. However, now I find myself slowly wading in, trying to see what's in the water around me, and jumping/screaming even at the slightest touch of some seaweed floating by. Anyway, as we were at the beach this year, I was somewhat limited in my ocean time but God still used the amazingly mysterious and powerful source of water to speak truth to me. One day, as I was wading in, I started at a point where I could see my feet clearly. As I waded in a little further, I could see less and less. With each step, I thought, this is like what God is wanting me to do right now; trust Him a little more and a little more with each step, even when I can't see what's ahead. But then I realized, He doesn't just want me to say, ok... I'm having a little trouble, I guess I'll take a step and trust you with this new thing now... or... okay, God, I've tried all I know to do, You can have this now. He wants us to dive in. He wants our whole being to be permeated in Him, trusting Him with everything.
#7 (Thought): Many things can result from challenging times. A friend, who also blogs, mentioned that we learn so much about trust and surrender when we are taken out of our comfort zone. I completely agree that we can if we chose to, and am thankful for these times of growth, but sometimes I wonder, since the times we are outside our comfort zone give such potential for growth, should we actively try to find ways to live outside our comfort zone... hum... the way my mind works... or maybe I need to work on growing through daily discipline and faithfulness and be thankful for the lows, highs, and in-betweens. I don't know...
#8 (Lesson): Bible verse that I have clung to during this season in order to remind me of what my heart's response should be:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
#9 (Thought): I am also very thankful for the ways God has used the preaching of His word to challenge and speak to me recently. Here are a few thoughts from a sermon I heard before Kaylee was born that have been used in my heart recently....
Trials can make it seem like Jesus is unconcerned and, therefore, it is sometimes easy to resort to doubt or depression, panic or unrest... yet....
Jesus' calm is not callused
His composure is not cold-heartedness
His love and concern will never change
#10 (Lesson): Live life moment by moment - Be thankful for this moment of peace... don't live in the fear or worry of the next... like fretting about when she is going to stir, when the crying is going to start again, when I'm going to need to hop out of bed again, or when I am going to get everything done that needs to get done.
#11 (Lesson): Last year I read a book about the names of God that really grew me and one of the names I learned was Jehovah Rophe, which means "The Lord Heals". As I have journeyed through this season with Kaylee, this name has come to mind on multiple occasions, most often in moments when it seems like the Lord isn't healing physical burdens, which was often discouraging. But still, I let the name enter in because I knew I could choose to trust and dwell on it in hope as I saw slow progress towards healing. Yet, just as one issue would begin to resolve, it seemed as though another was on the rise. In the midst of this, I have realized that the Lord had other intentions in bringing Jehovah Rophe to mind. Yes, He can and was beginning to ease some of our physical struggles, but even if some of those burdens never cease, His true longing was to heal me in other ways and remind me to pray for this same healing in others. As this name came to mind, I began seeing a need to heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I saw ugly wounds and scares caused by the doubt, anxiety, worry, complaining, and other baggage that had entered in and I needed healing from these things so that I could begin trusting Him in the physical trials. Sometimes wounds open back up but what I have learned is the Lord longs to be Jehovah Rophe.
#12 (Thought/Lesson): I always give Brandon a hard time for going on and on with a story while talking, but I guess when I type, I probably compare to him in my abilities to make a short blog long. :)
#13 (Request): Lastly, please pray...
...that Brandon and I would continue to grow together and grow in our love and appreciation of one another as we face the challenges and joys of a raising little Kaylee.
...that God would grant us wisdom, grace, and joy in our efforts to help Kaylee.
...that I would continue to grow in learning to be thankful and obedient instead of becoming critical or discouraged.
...that we would learn more and more of how/what it looks like to reach out and be involved in others lives with a little one.
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